Self Deception

Robert I Holmes



What if I told you that you were suffering from a malady, a sickness, a disease of some kind. But it did not show signs, or remarkable symptoms to the sick person. Furthermore, those symptoms were readily visible to anyone else who looked. You'd feel a little queasy, as I did when I first learned the lesson contained in this article.



The issue of self deception is very difficult. People do not know they are suffering from it because they cannot see it in themselves. They are quick to diagnose someone else who is struggling to see clearly, but ourselves? Jesus called this the "log in the eye" syndrome.



Because we are all sons and daughters of Adam and Eve, we have within our human frame a hunger for the fruit they ate. We devour fruit born from the knowledge of good and evil. This fruit bears poor results in our lives. It creates a kind of myopia, a one-eyed-ness. We view the world in a certain way, that shifts values toward us, and blame away from us. "It was the woman you gave me," Adam says, turning the attention to Eve. "Hey, it was the snake!" she says.



We believe we are better than we really are, and others are worse than they really are. Bill Hybels says, "We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their actions". So true.



An example from real life



Consider a husband and a wife lying in bed with the baby crying. They are both awake, yet both pretending to be asleep. Each one lies there, thinking of a good reason why they should not get up. "Doesn't she know I am tired?" the man says to himself. "I have worked hard all day, she's not even grateful. Lazy girl". She is thinking, "Doesn't he appreciate how much hard work motherhood is? I bet he doesn't think it is even real work! I'm tired, I deserve a break".



This simple example illustrates what the Arbinger Institute has come to call a "self betrayal" - when you do not follow through on your better instincts. As a results, we distort our view or paradigm of life to justify ourselves and condemn others. Anthropologists call it "demonising" others and "angelising" ourselves.



This is the fruit of knowing good and evil. We have knowledge, and we think that by it, we are improved. But we rarely stop to examine our assumptions. Not all knowledge is good knowledge. We think of ourselves as good, and others as evil. It justifies our treatment of them, for they are something less than human. We are starting, ever so gradually to "dehumanize" them.



We call this, self deception. In teams and groups it leads to group deception. This is how Hitler was able to justify destroying the Jews, by making them less than human. This is why the Evangelical Church in Germany let Nazi Imperialism evolve. In fact they called Hitler a messiah! This is why the Afrikaner church largely failed to confront Apartheid, and why the American church is content with capitalism. What we have is better (or best) so we think.



It belongs to me!



I was in a leadership meeting for a local church recently. Each member was asked to be honest about what they saw going on in the church and leadership. Consider this comment, made by one of the ladies there: "It's dysfunctional, but hey, at least it's MY dysfunctional!" Crazy as it sounds, we all laughed, because that's how we feel. "I know it's not working, but at least it belongs to me!" I can just hear Dr Phil McGraw looking into the camera and saying, "So how's that workin' for ya?".



Everyone around you knows it's not working, but they cannot help you. You will not acknowledge your "disease" because of fear, guilt, shame or hurt. Even those who give lip service to the fact that "we are all sinners", are rarely found to be repenting. They see the fault in others, but not themselves. Or if they do repent, they do not go on to bear the fruit of that repentance. Jesus said it's like, "The blind leading the blind" (Matt. 15:14).



Why do you want to stay deceived?



The truth is, you built the world you live in. So why would you complain about it? If you want change. change yourself. But most of us do not change. We cling to our dysfunction. Why would we cling to being "right" or better, when it just isn't working? The answer is simple, yet dreadful. We cling to "it's mine" because of a secondary payoff, or a second class gain.



Consider an example that happens in church after church, and business after business. A man is being raised up in leadership, and decides he will vie for control. The team do not think it's time, and ask him to wait. But the man says, "You don't recognise my gift, I am far better at this than the present leader". So off he goes, taking a handful of people with him. The man is choosing (in many cases) to be the captain of a tug-boat, instead of the second mate on a larger trading vessel. Why? Because of secondary gain. He is willing to suffer one kind of harm, for another kind of (second class) gain.



· Why do abused women stay with their husbands? · Why do children stay with their alcoholic mother? · Why does a sick person not get up for prayer, or to see a doctor?



Because there is a secondary gain.



You're willing to put up with the initial abuse, because of the secondary gain. Things like money, power, sex, finances, pride, prestige. what's the pay off for staying deceived? What's the pay off for leaving things as they are.? Consider the cost though, consider the damage being done to those around you, and to yourself.



An example



I had a friend who trained as a palliative care nurse. Her work involved looking after people who were dieing. Her father was very sick, dying of a disease that could not be cured. Eventually the insurance payments stopped, and her dad's life was threatened. So she built a hospital room in her house, and took care of him herself. This appears noble, and her motives were fine. But somewhere between this fine beginning and the day we met, her motives had changed.



Dad had become the object of her affection, but not because of his position as father. Not even because of his frailty. It turned out, the state paid her quite well to keep him that way. She had every reason to seclude her life and avoid church. It was so bad by the time I got in on the story that she defended her father against "witchcraft" and "speaking negatively" so he would not die. Meanwhile her calling in God was atrophied. The word of the Lord to her was, "Your father is going to die, prepare your heart to go out and minister in My name". Instead of embracing this call, she told us to leave!



The secondary gain was worth it (in her mind), and the cost of obedience was too high. Shortly though, God called her father home, and her little world fell apart. Her finances struggled. Her identity, held so long as primary care giver, was corroded. Her call in God needed a kick-start.



Seeing people as people



I mentioned before that we tend to demonise people, and angelise ourselves when we go ahead and justify our self-betrayals. (When we fail to live up to the expectation of our heart, we betray ourselves).



The answer lies in seeing people as they really are. As people! We need to face our circumstances as they really are, and unmask our choices for what they really hide. Let me ask you,



· Do you see people, or objects? How would you know? · Do you know people's names? · Is there a response inside you which says "I need x from this person."?



My father worked on a Naval ship, which had 350 men serving on it. The Captain could remember every man's name, and even most of their wife's and children's names. That Captain went on to become an Admiral. Why? Because people mattered to him. Many people I talk to say, "I just cannot remember peoples names" as though it were a fault especial to themselves. Here's the wake up call. The University of California produced a study on the human brain, which concluded that the right brain could remember 1 million faces, and the left brain can code four pieces of information against those faces. So what's your excuse?



Getting out of the trap



You can escape self deception in four easy ways:



· The first key is to acknowledge the fact that we are deceived. · The second key is to see people as they really are · The third key is to find out what your secondary gain is · The fourth key is to ask those around you to help you



References



"Leadership and Self Deception", The Arbinger Institute Hybels, Bill. "Who you are When No One is Looking" McGraw, Phil, Dr. "Getting Real", Audio Series.