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[The Night Bard]

Lost on PWR Island - Episode Three- “Attack of the Butt Seed”


Another day opens up on our Whorehouse. The beach is still as our kinkajou friend makes his way in between the sleeping members of PWR, past the fallen airplane, over the graves and to his sleeping quarters in the canopy. In his left paw rests a few nachos stolen from Wahya’s luggage and in his right are the remnants of a few Clozaril pills snatched from QH’s paper bag. Finding a branch large enough to accommodate his brown frame, he nibbles on the last of the nachos and reclines, thinking over the past couple days and nights. Eyelids heavy and tail finally uncoiled, our kinkajou friend sighs and manages one last waking thought before he falls to slumber.

“What a bunch of crazy motherfuckers.”

On the other side of the hill, and closer to the flying wreck, a sleepy Faydra shakes the sand out of her Terre Haute hair. She can’t see him just now, her eyes haven’t found the focus yet, but next to her sits a very curious fellow. Measuring barely the height of a pea and snarling like a turd from the ass of hell, Chaiyah’s butt seed hops on Faydra’s knee.

“Oh my God!”

“Calm down you. And listen carefully, I don’t have much time. I’m supposed to be inhabiting another colon in a few hours.”

“Is that whiskey I smell on you, I mean, mixed in with the shit smell?”

“If you had to live inside Chia Pet’s asshole, you’d take to drinking as well. And don’t play dumb with me, I’ve known for years you’re working for the CIA, the NSA, and the AARP. Don’t test me you fucking Masshole, I’ll get up in that pooper and dance around like a neocon on 9/11. Now, fucking shut your pie hole and listen up!”

“You’re kinda cute! I think I should glitter you!”

“Sister Mary Joseph! If you so much as,” here the seed belches a large whiskey stinking burp right towards Faydra’s face, “if you even dare to glitter me I’ll show you what I learned from the Feds. You don’t know what you’re dealing with, I scrapped my way out of that asshole like a fucking Navy Seal and what I’ll do to you will be much worse, ya heard?”

Faydra stares. Chaiyah’s arseseed stares back as he downs the last of his little Cutty Sark bottle.

“I should glitter now.”

“Alright you dumb bitch, listen up. I’ve been sent here for a reason. Spending the plane ride smuggled into your luggage was no fun, but he’s paying me well. Here’s the deal…”

But the seed can’t get the last of his message out. Faydra has starting the glittering process and he has fallen on his back, blinded by the large specs of gold that have hit him like oversized snowflakes.

“Fucking cunt! Fuck it, he told me to kill one, why wait, I’ve done jobs plastered before.”

Using his empty bottle to get himself up, the seed shakes off a few flakes and readies his small frame for battle. Deciding his options are limited, he smashes the bottle on Faydra’s knee and clutches the sharp jagged remnant tightly. While Fay continues glittering, the seed jumps up on her shoulder and begins to jab away at her face.

“Ooooooooooooooouch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“You do not fuck with an ass seed you fucking bimbo!”

The seed’s work is vicious and efficient. In just two minutes, Faydra’s head becomes a swollen red mass. She slumps over, twitching, apparently dead.

“Take the Freedom Trail beotch!”

The seed jumps down off of the poster formerly known as Faydra and wanders off, humming to himself.

A few yards away from the fresh crime scene, the beach begins to stir. Pithypants throws her arms up and yawns. Junkman, still clutching the last edition of Sorcha Faal’s epistle (or is it the World Net Daily?), rolls over on her back to get some sun. Over near the plane wreckage, D.C. and Bill can be heard discussing something.

“Has anyone checked out the cockpit?

“In the plane?”

“Um, where else would be a…never mind. Yes.”

“I don’t believe so. Let’s take a look.”

D.C. starts to head into the plane and Bill follows close behind. Inside, they find a rotting Black Friar, his corpse slumped over into the aisle.

“Wow, now you really can’t see his dick,” D.C. said, turning to Bill.

“Good one. Anyway, let’s check out who was flying this bird.”

Making their way to the front of the plane, Bill notices that much of the interior is in good condition. He wonders if maybe, possibly, this thing could fly again? He turns to D.C. and notices a face that’s thinking the same.

“Um, it IS missing a wing.”

“So? Anything’s possible. They say 19 inexperienced Arab terrorists flew one of these into the Pentagon at an impossible angle,” Bill reasoned, “I think we can manage something.”

Reaching the unexpectedly ajar cockpit door, D.C. pushes through and discovers who was flying the plane. Inside, the corpse of The Traveler is sticking halfway out the shattered front window, Red Dawn at his side, dangling in the co-pilot’s seat.

“You’re right, anything is possible. No wonder we crashed.”

Back on the beach Squeeze and Flea have commenced their now daily talk.

“You need to go into the jungle now. Faydra is dead and now I’m not the only one seeing apparitions. Someone said they thought they saw the ghost of Druthers riding the Fuck You Express around the beach. Get some posters together, take some supplies, and figure out what the hell is going on.”

“I just woke up!!! Wait a bit!!! I see your grin!!! Okay!!!”

Squeeze gathers what food and liquor he can find littered on the beach. Turning to Ompha, he asks, “Who should we pick!!! We need five good Whores!!!”

“Psyloki, she can do that shot gunning thing, which may come in handy.”

“Good choice cocksucker!!! I say Milo Jeeder, now’s there’s a cuntface annoying as hell, eh?!!”

“Nice. Maybe Cassandra’s cold fusion technique will come in handy?”

“Of course!!! Plus, always the possibility of some beaver to beaver action with Psy!!!”

“Okay, two more. Hmm. Susan?”

“Good choice!!! Last one, I say Trevor. Oops, dead!!! Okay, how about Mam?!!”

“You’re joking.”

“No!!! If we need to fight, she has a cunt that won’t let up!!!”

“Fine, let’s get going. Just please keep her away from me.”

After much explanation and a rather tiresome back and forth with Mam, Squeeze leads his acquiescing team into the dark jungle. Provisions are stocked but a goal is not present in the minds of either jungle bound mod. But in they go. Flea can see the straggling Milo Jeeder disappear into the dense jungle. She smiles this time.

But not for long. Turning back to the beach and looking far into the distance, Flea can see something on the horizon.

“What the hell is that?” Soakingood asked.

“It looks like a damn ship,” Flea replied.

“Is that a Jolly Roger on its mast?”

“Looks like it. It’s moving fast too.”

Crashing into the sea and recklessly hurling its bowsprit towards the beach, a ship of enormous size, outfitted to do battle, and full of crazed pirates, makes its presence known to the Refuge by tossing a loud cannonball into a deadly arc, looking to land square on the most populated section of the shore.

“Oh fucking shit,” Leia turned to Tooth.

“No kidding, run!”

Scattering like cockroaches at the first sight of light, the Refuge struggles to clear away before the giant black sphere crashes down on them. Grace dives out of the way. Siani throws her head up like a giraffe and prances off. Richard Eldritch hussars his way over the hill and Joey nunchucks out of the ball’s path. With the arc complete and the flying missile’s doom upon them, the beach falls silent as the ball tears a crater into the Refuge.

Under the avalanche of sand, the dead bodies of several Whores lay still. One, it seems, wants to make one last pronouncement.

“Keep the doom alive,” Black Jack gurgled through blood before he too fell victim to a vacation turned nightmare.

There are more bodies littered on the beach, and indeed, more last words, but the remaining Whores turn their attention to a closer pirate ship, now flirting with the beach. A pirate shanty can be heard coming from two of the pirates on deck.

“Is that Porksword and King Douche?” asked Ethel.

“Looks like it, and that looks like Elaine. Captain Elaine,” answered Clear Eyes as a “suck my dick!” could be heard coming from the helm. “And tied to the bowsprit, is that Crow?”

The shanty grew louder.

“We be sippin’ we rum while trollin’ your beach
Avast, cry ye, whilst ye stumble for speech
To Davy Jones locker ye bones fall away
Prepare for battle, ye skies are gray!

With his sword of pork and me douchey king
We be takin’ your beach with cutlass and bling
Shiver me timbers and blow me down
Ye lives will end in the ground!

And it's yo ho ho and it's hoist the sail high
Arr arr arr and a bottle of rye!

And it’s yo ho ho and it’s hoist the sail high
Arr arr arr PWR say goodbye!

We sail the high seas and the small ones to boot
Just a bunch of old scallywag trolls lookin' for loot
Sockpuppets aplenty and caustic like talk
Me spy-glass shows victory as we will stalk!

Trolls for hire and please pay us in rum
Slacker sucks ass and Ompha’s a bum
We’ll hang you and cut you and then run
But never before the pillaging’s done!

And it's yo ho ho and it's hoist the sail high
Arr arr arr and a bottle of rye!

And it’s yo ho ho and it’s hoist the sail high
Arr arr arr PWR say goodbye!”



ON THE NEXT EPISODE (if there is one!)
Squeeze’s team makes its way through a strange jungle while the PWRers left on the beach decide how best to deal with their new enemy. Clear Eyes wanders away from the group and has an encounter with woo-woo luminaries and a certain esteemed Five Forks resident stumbles onto the beach.



-The Night Bard

[SQUEEZE A SNACK]

Wow!!!

[Fay]

Oh my god, I got offed by the arse seed!

[Bethel]

FUCK that's good!

for our fallen comrades

[OAW]

I still fucking love it!!!

[Fay]

I'd flounce over this, but I am dead.

[Fay]

[OAW]

[siani]

[Black Jack]

[SQUEEZE A SNACK]

What a way to go!!!
The butseed getting all up in your face!!!!!!!